"How Do I Get My Boys to Stop Fighting?"

That's the question posted by Amy at In Pursuit of Proverbs 31 on her blog today. It's one of the big questions in our family at the moment, too. Our boys love each other and often have great times together. However, they have those other moments much too often. So here's my attempt at answering her question:

When our first two sons were younger, they were best friends, but they also had their moments of conflict. They're now married with their own families and still love each other!

We currently have four boys at home, ranging in age from 11 to 18. The level of conflict has multiplied greatly! While this is currently the biggest area of challenge in our family, I'm encouraged that my older sons survived and still like each other. There's hope for their brothers as well!

We don't have all the answers to this one, but these are some things we're trying.

It helps me somewhat to realize that this is not "abnormal" for boys of this age. I guess what I mean by that is my boys are kind of between childhood and manhood. Their hormones are going wild as they try to find their way toward being leaders and protectors and establishing their manhood. They may be seeking the right things, but they haven't quite learned how to handle it all. Anger is quick, and they often act before they think.

So the question for me is... how do I channel all of that energy in the right direction?

Our family Bible studies for the past several months have focused on topics like obedience, love, kindness, serving, deference and forgiveness. We're memorizing Scripture to go with these studies and are continually disussing the topics.

As part of a large family, my boys often help with the household responsibilities like cooking, dishes, laundry and general housecleaning. Sometimes I have to make a conscious decision to give them some "man" work--chopping wood, digging ditches, washing the car, building something.

On occasion the hard work may be a good game of basketball or soccer to use up some energy.

Sometimes my boys do need to be separated... at least long enough to cool down and think things through clearly so that relationships can be mended. This may be just a time of lying in their beds (often so Mom can regroup and come up with a plan), and sometimes it may include a project... like writing applicable Scripture verses for a time. (Most of my boys hate to write, so it's a good discipline as well as being profitable.)

As my boys are getting older, I'm seeing that it makes a big difference when Daddy weighs in on the conflict. I suspect that's also a normal part of the process of boys growing up. I know they love me, but they really do respond better to my husband. (I don't necessarily like that, by the way, it just seems to be the "nature of the beast.")

We do a lot of "walking through the process" around here. By that I mean helping them learn to respond correctly by replaying a particular scenario...

~~When your brother said that, how did you respond?

~~Was that a godly reponse, pleasing to the Lord?

~~What might have been a better way to respond?

~~Do you understand why he may have been offended by your response?

~~What do you need to do to restore fellowship with your brother?

Often the offense comes about not because of the literal words that are said but because of the tone of voice that was used, so much of our instruction is there as well. "You can say the exact same thing in a totally different tone and get a better response." Our children often are required to go through an entire situation with their sibling but in the right way (with their parents "holding their hand" the whole way through).

If one particular child seems to continually struggle with attitudes or anger, it may be helpful to evaluate the circumstances. Is he overly tired? Fatigue often makes it difficult to handle a situation with the right perspective. We're more likely to be overly sensitive or to lash out in those times. Anger may also suggest unconfessed sin in a person's life. We need to know our children well enough to know when they may be having issues, and we need to be ready and willing to walk them through the process confessing sin and seeking forgiveness from the Lord and others. One-on-one sessions with each child on a regular basis gives opportunity for asking hard questions and holding them accountable in areas of struggle.

Every once in a while we see a glimmer of progress. It does require a lot of consistency on the part of both parents. Again, it is vitally important that Daddy be involved. (I say that knowing that my husband is often traveling with his job more than he's home, but he does weigh in whenever he can, and he reinforces the fact that our children must obey their mom.)

I feel like my thoughts have been rambling, and I certainly haven't covered everything.

Above all, it's a matter of prayer. We need to be praying diligently for our children. The enemy would love to destroy our children--physically, emotionally and any other way he can. Our goal needs to be unity within our family. I think it's Dennis Rainey who once said, "The family is God's smallest battle formation." We need to train our sons to lead out AGAINST that enemy and to see each other as allies in that fight.

Our Mighty Warriors

May God grant us as parents the consistency, strength and creativity to train our children in His ways. May our children grow to be strong and mighty in the Lord.